Monday, July 11, 2016

Trusting God: Even When You Don't Feel Him

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials. Knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience." James 1:2-3 NKJV
I was reminded of this verse a couple days ago. My first reaction was to throw it to the back of my head. Why? Because I didn't want to have that accountability, I did not want to be reminded that in this time of trial I needed to trust God and somehow find joy in this hard time, because how could I find joy in the midst of pain, in the midst of suffering? 
A little backstory, the past two weeks I have been struggling with my health. I have two chronic health conditions, fibromyalgia and what is called nonneurogenic neurogenic bladder. I know that was a mouthful. Firstly, fibromyalgia is a painful muscle condition that can cause a multitude of symptoms. The most prominent symptom is muscle pain, usually widespread. Other symptoms that can accompany those with fibromyalgia include, fatigue, especially after not much activity, brain fog, loss of appetite, headaches, anxiety, depression and the list could go on and on. Those are the most prominent symptoms I struggle with. 
Now, the nonneurogenic neurogenic bladder also known as Hinman Syndrome, basically is a urological disorder that can cause the bladder to not function properly for some unknown reason. For me this means I have constant urinary retention (cannot pass urine on my own) so I have what is called a suprapubic catheter, a catheter that 24/7 goes through my lower abdomen into my bladder. I also get bladder spasms that at times cause extreme pain and make getting things done extremely difficult because walking is a huge trigger and causes even more pain. This is what I have been struggling with lately. 
By the end of this week I was fed up. The constant physical pain was getting to me and I was becoming basically an emotional mess with trying to just deal with the physical pain while trying to keep up with work where I am on my feet walking and bending over the entire shift. I will be honest I hadn't prayed...I didn't want to talk to God because I did not understand why he was making me go through this and why he wasn't giving me a break. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt that way. Finally, I broke and ended up basically yelling at God. Which I think is okay, I think sometimes we think we have to talk all nice and sweet praising God, but I believe that first off he can handle our rants or our bickering at Him, and in the end it brings us closer to Him. In the end I did feel a lot better. Did it make everything okay? No, it didn't take my pain away, but I did have a little bit  more peace and that is the true loving peace that God can only bring.